Tuesday, August 5, 2008

These violent delights have violent ends

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to a huge part of my life. Something that brought me immeasurable joy has come to an end by my own doing. It was, in fact, a violent delight, but as is often coupled with such intense emotions, it frequently found me sobbing in private moments, circling parking lots in my car.

It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden.
Romeo and Juliet, 2. 2

The love which I loved with was not matched by my object of affection. It felt for me, the minimalist love to bring me hope that someday the bud would bloom. But such buds that lie dormant 3 years later wither in their bud state, and eventually turn towards a brighter sun.

And I couldn't bear to see that happen.

Tempt not a desperate man.
Romeo and Juliet, 5. 3

It seemed if I loved well enough, if I fed with the deepest waters of my soul, perhaps the object of my affection would agree that a garden could, no, should grow in a love-luster world. But mine was desperation of the heart, and his was pragmatism of the mind. And of course, his heart never got to the place mine was.

Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
Romeo and Juliet. ACT II Scene 6.

And the light went out when I realized I was boxed in with a shelf life. I could not convince myself that portioning the heart was ever a good idea. Because I was taught when you love something, you love it all the way.

For stony limits cannot hold love out.
Romeo and Juliet. ACT II Scene 2.

Therefore I killed it on a hot August evening, when I would have preferred drinking lemonade and watching the children ride bikes in the driveway. In my car, circling parking lots, I killed us, past and future.

And though I protest it, I'm fairly certain tomorrow the sun will rise and another day will begin.

True, I talk of dreams,
Which are the children of an idle brain,
Begot of nothing but vain fantasy.
Romeo and Juliet. ACT I Scene 4.

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