Tuesday, March 18, 2008

One of those Deep Blogs

I’m melancholy right now. I try to avoid that feeling, running in these size 9 heels, chasing bliss as it settles on the horizon. Bliss is fleeting. It passes. And behind it leaves melancholy in that vast spot. The funny thing, bliss is so wonderful that I open up my heart and stuff as much of it’s light into me as possible. Bliss makes me rotund, I fill each crack with little glowing hearts, and puree the scraps of love into a paste that I paint on the walls of my being.

I love bliss. I consume it. Gobble it up. Until I am so fat with bliss my cheeks threaten to take off like hot air balloons.

And then suddenly it vanishes. Everything. The tiny hearts, the glowing pureed paste of love, it’s all gone. One Friday afternoon the bliss is there and I’m fat dumb and happy, then Monday morning, it hits me, something is missing. I search the curves of my cheeks and the pit of my belly. Where did it go? When did it leave? I did not see it leaving. But I know for sure it is gone. And then the melancholy whooshes in, flooding waters, filthy mud waters. Melancholy finds much room to steal in my expanded frame. My gluttony with bliss has left gigantic canyons for melancholy to fill.

And melancholy rides into my fingers, down my shins. Melancholy pools at the back of my throat, I cough, melancholy bounces, but does not dislodge.

I am melancholy for the world. The entire fucking world. So much melancholy from China and Isreal. So much melancholy in the lives of my dear friends. You don’t have to be sad friends, I still have space inside to take your melancholy too.

ask the universe for what you want

Dear Universe,

I do want to live with this melancholy. It is more than I can bear.

(no wait, that is not true)

Dear Universe,

As long as I have this big ass hole left by that bastard bliss, I want you to fill it to the brim with everyone’s melancholy. Why should everyone carry even the slightest bit of sadness when I have the room for it all here in my chest.

Oh, and while you are at it, can you please give me all those things that I pray for, you know, the job, the house, the perfect relationship with my family.

Signed with love and melancholy,


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