Thursday, July 3, 2008

Peabody Peabody Peabody!!

I am at the Hotel Peabody. Peabody's "thing" is ducks. Their marketing cheif should be fired for his shameless use of duck imagery. Duck toothpicks, duck shaped soap, they even have, and I swear I am not making this up, real live ducks feeding and swimming from an enormous fountain situated in the atrium. Somehow the ducks are trained not to leave the fountain. They eat corn, splash in the water, and shit all over the floor. The fountain-poultry display serves as the centerpiece for the atrium restaurant, where I am sitting now drinking a glass of cabernet and sweating, because omg, "atrium" is code for sauna, all this garish unnecessary heat has me wondering…is it all for the ducks?

Ever so often a man, wearing a black apron with long tie strings that drag behind him like a wedding train, passes by with a squeegee and a yellow bucket. He is on duck poop patrol. He follows the ducks around the fountain cleaning up their green runny poo with his squeegee. Don't feed the ducks he tells a kid. Why have a duck display if you can't feed the damn things….they are so cute I want to let them sip from this wine glass.

I am reading this book called "100 Years of Solitude" but it might as well be called "THE MOST AWESOMIST BOOK IN THE WORLD". (I think it goes by that title in Calcutta and Singapore).

Anywho, I bought the sucker for a buck at a used book store. The book is yellowed, browned and tore up on a number of pages, which makes the reading a challenge.
But I adore a challenge as long as I can make shit up in the process. "Jose Arcadio Buendia ran into the room where his wife…" Hmm…cant read the text…"where is wife was….stripping the yellow wallpaper from the wall as she drooled puddles of blood from her mouth, carrying on her back a miniature portrait of Satan and his 12 illegitimate children."

(Another glass of cabernet? Um, no maybe some water at this point. Oh the poop guy just passed me and he smells really good, like honeysuckle and amberbach)

Why do old people do yoga? With their flatulence and gnarled feet? It ruins the experience for us young people who go to show off how hot we are in lotus position.

There are two old women with yoga mats who are stalking me. They keep circling the atrium, seriously what? What? WHAT? They know I am typing about them. Why do only old people have money?

The duck poop guy is back. "Please don't touch the piano" he says to the kiddos. Why have a piano feature if the kids can't bang on it? I think I may play on it later, I know how to play that song from Ameile.

Ameile was a fantastic movie.

When I was 6 my cousins from Mexico came to visit us in Texas. The oldest had never eaten waffles. He filled each hole with syrup, ate the waffle, and then puked on my mother's sofa. Then we played monopoly, and my brother, sister and I made fun of our two cousins because they said "yellow" like "jello". Hahaha you retards. Say it again say it again! Yellow! Yellow! Yellow!

Ah, childhood.

Now those two retards live in Europe, both have published books, one is finishing up his Ph.D. in architecture and the other is an attorney at law. And I am typing a meaningless blog to entertain you people. But I knew those fuckers when they thought yellow was jello…"Say yellow jello, say yellow jello" we would shout at them. And then they cried. And I felt bad. But not anymore.

BTW there is a wikipedia site on the Peabody Ducks. I was thinking about starting a wikipedia page on myself. How fun would that be? Like this dude..sure he invented AJAX but still, what else makes him so special that he needs his own wiki page?

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